Sunday, March 22, 2009

self destructive behavior

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I stumbled on your blogs while doing a search on Google about self-destructive behaviour.  Thank you!  Most of the stuff I see on the internet has to do with young girls or women dealing with the issue.  The term rattled something loose in my brain when I saw a news report talking about Brittany Spears recent behaviour.
I have only become aware of this behaviour gradually over the last three or four years.  I am 53 now.  I think a lot of this awareness came after a breakdown I had about that time, where I believe I was closer to suicide than I have ever been.  I still have a lot of thoughts about it, but don't feel as if it is imminent. 
The self destructive behaviours always seem to show up when I am stressed out, when I feel like to much is being put on me to handle, and my only option is to lash out, usually verbally or in writing. 
My last episode was yesterday, 11/9, when I recieved an email from my work saying that if I did not start filling out my timesheet correctly my pay would be suspended.  I was pissed, but in control enough to email them back politely, but coolly, that while I would comply with expectations, it was illegal for them to do that.  Kind of a thinly veiled threat. While my boss never threatened me with loss of job (yet), he has in the past for different little eruptions I have had.  I do need to find another job, but sometimes it seems like I am just trying to get myself fired.
My DOC is medical marijuana.  I have legitimate issues that I need it for, but latey have been strongly considering giving it up, as I use it for legitimate purposes, and at other times.  When I don't use it, it seems like I really go crazy, and the slightest thing will set me off.  I took another job about three years ago, where I was mostly away from the family and when I returned I left my remaining meds in a secure location.  For six months I was off the marijuana, plenty of time for accumulated dependencies to resolve.  My tolerance for perceived BS went to near zero.  If I were my wife, I probably would have left.  I applied for and obtained my medical marijuana card again, and slowly after using it again for a couple months, my sense of equilibrium began to return.
I guess this is out of frustration that I write this, and should you not answer, it's cool.  I know you are no shrink, and that I am venting.  I know you dont have all the answers, maybe none of them, but you are safe!  That brings me to the other major issue in my life.  The more I become aware of myself, and all my idiosyncracies, the more I try and avoid people.  It seems that I can hardly get into a social situation anymore without making some inappropriate statement and embarrasing myself and often my wife.
Like you I am a Christian.  At one time, any mention of new age and Christianity in the same breath would have made me ignore everything you said.  I have come to realize that Christianity as it is practiced in modern times is a far different entity than it was in the times immediately following Jesus time on Earth.  Because of that, and my own propensity for social blunders I rarely go to church. When I do, I am very guarded about saying anything to anyone, even though I would like to speak to people at times.  I am not shy, I am just an asshole.  At least I often say things that make me think that, and I know by the peoples expressions that I justscrwed up.  But, I keep talking anyway. 
Also, the other end of the spectrum is I have a hard time trusting people.  So many times I have taken the risk to trust someone, gotten close to them, developed a relationship, only to be burned in some way.  Burned in a way that strikes right at the heart of a freindship-trust.  And I am not talking about just divulging a little secret or something.  When I get burned, my hate shifts from the last person I hated, to the new person/people.  Kind of like when you drop one addiction just to pick up another.  I could list a number of abuses by different people that at one time were close to me.  I won't bore you with them.  Suffice it to say, I am leery of people.  This leeriness makes it difficult to go into a meeting and start talking about all my shit......again.
I guess that is it for now....thanks for the shoulder.