Sunday, March 22, 2009

self destructive behavior

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I stumbled on your blogs while doing a search on Google about self-destructive behaviour.  Thank you!  Most of the stuff I see on the internet has to do with young girls or women dealing with the issue.  The term rattled something loose in my brain when I saw a news report talking about Brittany Spears recent behaviour.
I have only become aware of this behaviour gradually over the last three or four years.  I am 53 now.  I think a lot of this awareness came after a breakdown I had about that time, where I believe I was closer to suicide than I have ever been.  I still have a lot of thoughts about it, but don't feel as if it is imminent. 
The self destructive behaviours always seem to show up when I am stressed out, when I feel like to much is being put on me to handle, and my only option is to lash out, usually verbally or in writing. 
My last episode was yesterday, 11/9, when I recieved an email from my work saying that if I did not start filling out my timesheet correctly my pay would be suspended.  I was pissed, but in control enough to email them back politely, but coolly, that while I would comply with expectations, it was illegal for them to do that.  Kind of a thinly veiled threat. While my boss never threatened me with loss of job (yet), he has in the past for different little eruptions I have had.  I do need to find another job, but sometimes it seems like I am just trying to get myself fired.
My DOC is medical marijuana.  I have legitimate issues that I need it for, but latey have been strongly considering giving it up, as I use it for legitimate purposes, and at other times.  When I don't use it, it seems like I really go crazy, and the slightest thing will set me off.  I took another job about three years ago, where I was mostly away from the family and when I returned I left my remaining meds in a secure location.  For six months I was off the marijuana, plenty of time for accumulated dependencies to resolve.  My tolerance for perceived BS went to near zero.  If I were my wife, I probably would have left.  I applied for and obtained my medical marijuana card again, and slowly after using it again for a couple months, my sense of equilibrium began to return.
I guess this is out of frustration that I write this, and should you not answer, it's cool.  I know you are no shrink, and that I am venting.  I know you dont have all the answers, maybe none of them, but you are safe!  That brings me to the other major issue in my life.  The more I become aware of myself, and all my idiosyncracies, the more I try and avoid people.  It seems that I can hardly get into a social situation anymore without making some inappropriate statement and embarrasing myself and often my wife.
Like you I am a Christian.  At one time, any mention of new age and Christianity in the same breath would have made me ignore everything you said.  I have come to realize that Christianity as it is practiced in modern times is a far different entity than it was in the times immediately following Jesus time on Earth.  Because of that, and my own propensity for social blunders I rarely go to church. When I do, I am very guarded about saying anything to anyone, even though I would like to speak to people at times.  I am not shy, I am just an asshole.  At least I often say things that make me think that, and I know by the peoples expressions that I justscrwed up.  But, I keep talking anyway. 
Also, the other end of the spectrum is I have a hard time trusting people.  So many times I have taken the risk to trust someone, gotten close to them, developed a relationship, only to be burned in some way.  Burned in a way that strikes right at the heart of a freindship-trust.  And I am not talking about just divulging a little secret or something.  When I get burned, my hate shifts from the last person I hated, to the new person/people.  Kind of like when you drop one addiction just to pick up another.  I could list a number of abuses by different people that at one time were close to me.  I won't bore you with them.  Suffice it to say, I am leery of people.  This leeriness makes it difficult to go into a meeting and start talking about all my shit......again.
I guess that is it for now....thanks for the shoulder.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Left Brain Tools and Right Brain Issues

You can't expect left brain tools to impact right brain issues

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 Not only that, even if the right brain was 'doing something', the left brain would not recognize that anything of value was going on.

The right brain's most valuable tool is the tool of "Observation"
Observation is unconditional, it contains ZERO judgement.

Observation operates from the frame of Being, not doing.

When you BE something, you don't have to DO anything. it's like Grace, you don't have to earn grace.

Being valuable is not something you missed out on- it's something you create, on tap, on demand, however much a situation requires that you possess self worth, that's how much self worth you generate.

When your right brain is performing the task of Observation, powerful forces are put into play...

Your left brain incorrectly assumes that nothing valuable is going on, your left brains unit of measure, it's meters to record success or failure are incapable of registering observation.

Your left brain wants to fix something, from it's perspective Observation is the equivalent to stopping the car on the freeway, it will say, "why are we stopped?" "There is no traffic?"

Observation is healing on the level of Being the left brain operates on the level of doing

more coming... Just had to post this while it was on my mind (before I forgot)